Stripper Shoes

Aunt Traci loves to buy clothes for Caitlyn Jean. Amber is just about to kill her because all she want to wear is camo prints. They can be pink camo, but it must be camo.

One day Aunt Traci came over and brought her a pair of sandals about three inches high. Caitlyn loved them so much she had to wear them everywhere they went. This just about drove Amber nuts. The final straw came when someone asked her where Caitlyn got her 'Stripper Shoes'.

They made the mistake of asking that question in front of Caitlyn. Now, whenever she sees someone she will walk up to them and say, "Hey, do you like my stripper shoes?"

Posted by Grandma Jeff

American Idol

Crystal must be planning for her future. She has Cason practicing for an appearance on American Idol already...

I Saw The Light

Mom's kitchen and her Christmas were both made brighter up by the new range hood and light fixture that Jim and Shawn installed for her...

THANKS GUYS !

Photo from Michelle

Redneck Conversation

Cousin Cody came to visit for Christmas.

We had the best time while he was here.

He spent his last night here at Aunt Amber's house. This is one of the conversations she overheard him having with his cousin Austin...

Posted by Grandma Jeff

NO BIG SURPRISE AFTER ALL

I remember a Christmas, the family wanted to surprise Clyde with a big present. Clyde was in college at the time. We got a big box put a note in the bottom of it and filled it with old catalogs. When he came home we told him that big box was his gift.

I also remember Mrs. Stapleton coming over while Clyde was home. She said, "I sure would like to be here when he opens that big thing."

If I remember correctly we put 'From Jeffery' on it or something like that. While the family was at church and I was down in the basement playing pool, Clyde got into his package. When it came time for us to open up the gifts, Clyde said, "I already been into it."

Lucille said, "Oh, yeah, while all of us was at church and Sherry was down in the basement playing pool he got into it.

Clyde said, "I didn't know what to do with all of the catalogs that were in it."

Posted by Sherry

Lucille's Double Whammies

I remember a Christmas I was going to get even with Lucille for playing a joke on me for my birthday. I got a penny and wrapped it up in a big lot of newspapers and put it in a large box. I also bought her another gift, a box with a bar of soap with a rope attached to it. When I put this gift under the tree, I told everybody, "I haven't decided who I want to give it to."

Lucille laughed, "She hasn't decided yet."

When it came time to open the packages, Lucille said, "Well, I know everything in my packages except Sherry's, so I guess I will open it first." When Lucille got the package and started opening it, what surprised me the most was Daddy was more interested in what was in the box then she was. Each and every time she unwrapped a piece of newspaper, and another piece of newspaper was under that, Daddy would laughed that much harder.

Daddy was laughing as hard as he could and then, when she finally got to the penny, she held it up in her hand. When Daddy saw it he laughed so hard I thought for sure he was going to die laughing.

When she finally got her joke over with I said, "Lucille, here is your gift. The one that I said I couldn't decide." She opened it up and there was a very pretty bar of soap on a rope. Daddy liked the other package better. He was still laughing about the other package.

I said, "Dad? did she get a bar of soap?"

Dad said, "No, it was a penny."

Posted by Sherry

The Etch a Sketch

I remember a Christmas, everybody was gone but me. While I was at the house alone, Clyde came in and if I remember correctly, he brought in some gifts. He said, "I got Michelle a light bright for Christmas." I told him that I got her something but I didn't get her what I wanted her to have.

He said, "What did you want her to have.".

I said, "An Etch a Sketch.".

He said, "How much is one.".

I said, "I'm guessing $3.".

He said, "Well, I'll get it for you." I gave him the $3 and he got it for her..

After the packages got opened I enjoyed playing with the Etch a Sketch more than Michelle did..

I remember back years before Michelle was born, an Etch a Sketch was a very popular toy. Well, I bought somebody an Etch a Sketch for Christmas this year. I wonder if it will be a great gift to give this year. Just like the lable maker years ago..

Posted by Sherry

Christmas Vacuum Cleaner

I remember back when we lived down on the river, we tried to get Dad to buy Mother a vacuum cleaner. Dad finally got Mother a vacuum for Christmas. It was a great big thing, nobody knew how to use it.

Mother said, "I got a vacuum cleaner for Christmas and I can't get anybody to even tip it!"

Posted by Sherry

The Importance of Zeros

Mom:	Your Daddy is sending you your Christmas check in the mail. Sherry says we have to send it with her cards in one envelope to save money. So make sure you get it out before you start giving everyone their Christmas cards from us.
Me:	Well Mom, could you ask Dad to add an extra Zero onto my Christmas check this year?
	Silence
Mom:	Well Honey, I'm afraid we had to take one away.
Me:	Take one way?
Mom:	And your Daddy said his Chirstmas present this year is his trip to Florida.
Me:	There goes another one of my Zeros.
I can't wait to see Dad and Clyde arrive on the back of that old three legged jackass. I hope that old three legged jackass can hold up for many more trips to Florida. Posted by Jeff

76 Trombones and 110 Cornets

Mawline's birthday this December 12th would be her 110th. I couldn't find out when Delie's is, all I know is she would have turned 76 this year. That makes it '76 Trombones and 110 Cornets'.

Meaner

Seventy six trombones led the big parade,

With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand.

They were followed by rows and rows,

Of the finest virtuosos,

The cream of every famous band.

Seventy six trombones caught the morning sun,

With a hundred and ten cornets right behind.

There were over a thousand reeds,

Springing up like weeds,

There were horns of every shape and size.

There were copper bottom timpani in horse platoons,

Thundering, thundering, all along the way.

Double bell euphoniums and big bassoons,

Each bassoon having its big fat say.

There were fifty mounted canons in the battery,

Thundering, thundering, louder than before.

Clarinets of every size,

And trumpets who'd improvise

A full octave higher than the score!

Seventy six trombones hit the counterpoint,

While a hundred and ten cornets blazed away.

To the rhythm of Harch! Harch! Harch!

All the kids began to march,

And they're marching still right today!

Seventy six trombones led the big parade,

When the order to march rang out loud and clear.

Starting off with a big bang bong on a Chinese gong,

By a big bang bonger at the rear.

Seventy six trombones hit the counter point,

While a hundred and ten cornets played the air.

Then I modestly took my place as the one and only bass,

And I Oom-Pah'ed up and down the square.

Christmas Elves

Ran across these Christmas Elves on the Internet. They sure do look familiar somehow.

(NOTE: You will need a fast intenet connection, and speakers will help.)

Conversation with Mom and Dad

I called Mom one morning and asked how she was doing?

Mom Well honey, I didn't sleep too good last night.

Me Why do think that is, Mom?

Mom Well honey, your father has to have gravy every Sunday morning for breakfast. He knows he isn't suppose to eat it but he does anyway. I think he is just a plain old Looney Tick.

A few days later I was on the phone with Dad.

Me Dad, Mom says you are a Looney Tick.

Dad #$%^$ I may be a tick, but I sure hain't no %$^#%$ Looney!

Posted by Jeff

Being Number One...Taken Too Far

I know I should have posted something about our Thanksgiving gathering at Road Creek before now but it has taken me a while to recover. No, I didn't eat too much, or eat too fast, or drink to excess. Well, maybe a little, but that's not what got my blood to boiling and fired up my ulcers again. No, it was the sight of the display atop Mom's china cabinet.

There, overlooking the whole Thanksgiving celebration, meticulously arranged and angled so all could see, someone had erected a ME-chelle Shrine. I don't know what else to call it. It was almost more than I could bear.

As everyone arrived, carrying what they brought for the feast, they entered, went over to the kitchen table and lay their dishes down there in front of the ME-chelle Shrine. It looked like they were making an offering to the great and powerful ME-chelle. I had to go out on the front porch for a while.

Time to eat came and someone suggested we all gather in a circle and hold hands, there in front of the ME-chelle Shrine. To a stranger it would have looked like some weird pagan ritual. Mom began to say the blessing and darned if everyone else didn't bow their heads and close their eyes, right there with that infernal ME-chelle Shrine looking down at all of them. I couldn't do it, I bowed my head but I kept one eye open. I think I heard ME-chelle giggling in the kitchen.

Thank goodness it takes a lot to spoil my appetite (it must 'cause nothing ever has.) I was able to turn my back on that ME-chelle Shrine long enough to eat a generous helping of most everything on the alter, I mean table. Just as I was finishing second dessert however, someone spoke, I turned and caught a glimpse of that shrine again. What I noticed this time froze me in my tracks. There at the right hand end of the shrine sat Mom's little brown glass container with the baby deer on top!

At various times in my life I have seen that container filled with bobbie pins or stick pins, buttons and thimbles, earrings or nickles and dimes. But it has always been there! When I was a little fellow, pointing up at Mom's dresser and saying, "I'm-a-Doo, I'm-a-Doo," setting there on the top shelf beside my Choo-Choo train was that little brown deer. Seeing it where it sat now, all I could think was, "Blasphemy, Blasphemy, I say!" I had to go to the Meaner Mart to cool off before heading home.

That night a frightful image kept popping into my head, I could see the little brown deer and there beside him was Davy Crockett. They were both stashed away in some dark recess in London, KY. I had to eat some more dessert to calm my worried mind.

Christmas will be here soon and it will be time to make another pilgrimage to Road Creek. I don't think that ME-chelle Shrine will be a problem this trip though. You see, I borrowed Dad's sledge hammer and pole axe a while back and I need to return them. No, I don't think that shrine will bother me at all this trip.

Figured Out After Thirty Years!

After thirty years of marriage, Randy and I have figured out a few things about each other. I have figured out that if I have something upsetting to tell him, I must prepare him for it.
Me:	Randy Honey, I have something to tell you, and I don't want you to get upset about it. Getting upset won't help the problem, so it's best to try and not let yourself get so worked up about it.
Jokingly Randy pretends to huff and puff as though he is getting it all out before I tell him the upsetting news. His cheeks go in and out and his face gets red. He stomps around the room and makes fists with his hands. This lasts about five minutes.
Randy:	I'm ready now. Go ahead and tell me the bad news.
Me:	Are you sure you are ready?
Randy:	I'm sure. No, just one more minute.
I wait while he does some more pretending.
Randy:	Okay! I'm ready.
I tell him the news. He stands quietly. He doesn't seem to let it faze him in the least. I am thinking this might really work. I will let him vent ahead of time. NOT! Thirty minutes later, after he has really had time to simmer over what I have told him, the kettle begins to spitting and sputtering the steam it has had bottled up. I try to catch a moment when the steam is at it's lowest pressure to interject what I think will be some calming advice.
Me:	Now Randy, we just have to pray about these things. Getting all worked up and spending the day upset will not help things at all.
He stops and looks at me. I think I am going to hear something like, "Yes Honey you are right. We just need to pray about this." NOT !
Randy:	After thirty years of being married to you, I finally have you figured out. When you tell me to pray about something, what you are really saying is, 'Randy, will you shut up!'
I started to deny his claim, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I really did want him to shut up and PRAY. He finally has me figured out.
Posted by Jeff

My New Pin

I would like for Jeffery to know that I like the pin she sent me for Christmas. I am wearing it to school. I had Jeremy take my picture at my messy school desk to show me wearing it.

Thanks Sis, I hope I wear the pin well.

Michelle

I Have Some Place To Be

Last Sunday was Lauren's baby shower. We were to all go to Newberry for the event. Crystal and Amber decided it would be nice to go early and have lunch with Aunt Nancy and Lauren before the shower stared. They went to one of Nancy's favorite restaurants, a place called Floyd's in High Springs. They were dressed really nice and ready for the shower later in the day.

They sat down in a booth. Crystal sat next to Nancy and Amber and Lauren sat across from them. They were having a great time telling stories. I do believe, if memory serves me, I was told that Amber told most of the tales. (I was told afterward by Aunt Nancy, "Oh the things I heard about you. I will never be able to look at you the same again!") Thanks Amber! You are on restrictions. AGAIN!

As the stories were really getting good and the laughter was really on a roll, Amber said she heard a crash and all of a sudden, in slow motion, she saw a large glob of something coming at her. She tried to duck to miss it but was unable to move fast enough. The large glob landed on her pretty top. The only one she had to wear to the shower. Oh, she was so upset!

Now while Amber was busy trying to get the glob off her shirt, Aunt Nancy, Crystal and Lauren were rolling in their seats, tears streaming from their eyes, all fingers pointing toward Amber. They all thought this was hysterical, especially Aunt Nancy. She kept saying, "HA! HA! HA!"

Then, all of a sudden, she realized that whatever happened, happened behind her and she turned to see what it could have been. She quickly turned her head. As she did the back of her head met Crystal's eyes. Crystal's eyes widened and she stopped breathing. The finger she had been pointing at Amber was now busy moving back and forth at the back of Aunt Nancy's head. Her head was covered with specks of tarter sauce. Suddenly, Aunt Nancy turned to see Crystal's finger pointing at her and she said in a frantic voice, "What? What? Is there something in my hair? Somebody tell me! What is in my hair?"

The girls were laughing so hard, they could not tell her!

Again she pleaded, "What is in my hair? DID SOME KID THROW UP IN MY HAIR?" Somebody tell me, do I have throw up in my hair?"

The other three were still unable to speak. The picture of their Aunt Nancy will globs of tarter sauce in her hair was just too much.

The waitress come over and apologized for the tarter sauce and asked if she could help.

Aunt Nancy told her in no uncertain terms, "NO! You can't help me! I HAVE SOMEPLACE TO BE!"

Now you would think that this one bad experience at one of your favorite restaurants would be enough, but no, not for Nancy. She had been unable to eat her sandwich, so she asked for a takeout box.

Waitress:	Well, we really don't have regular take out boxes anymore. We have Chinese boxes.
Nancy:	What is the difference?
Waitress:	One is a regular box and the other is Chinese.
Nancy:	What?
Waitress:	We don't use Styrofoam any more.
Nancy:	Well OK. Just bring me a box.

The waitress comes back with a small Chinese take out box, the kind you get Chinese takeout in. Nancy looks at this small box and looks at her sandwich. How was she going to make this work. Amber said she pushed and tugged at that sandwich and box for ten minutes trying to get it in that box. (If she had just thought to wipe a little of that tarter sauce off her hair and put it on the side of that sandwich, it would have just slid right in.)

Now for the rest of the day Nancy was to be haunted my the smell of her hair treatment. All afternoon if you listened closely you could hear a small voice whimpering in a crowd of women at the shower,

• "Do I smell like mayonnaise?"
• "I smell Mayonnaise!"
• "Does anyone else smell mayonnaise?"

I made the mistake of asking her if she gave the waitress a tip? (A little Michelle came out in me?) Such language! So the best I can translate is, "NO TIP FOR YOU MISSY! I HAVE SOME PLACE TO BE!"

email from Jeff

A few Shower Photos...