Comment Calculus

The number of comments to the stories on the StalkerClan have been down for some time now. That worries me. Is everyone losing interest? Have I made everyone mad? A year or two ago a good story could draw out 12 or 15 comments. Today's stories seldom get more than 2 or 3, if any. 

Is the StalkerClan just going to fade out altogether?  I better do some calculations and try to figure out how to fix this problem.  Let's look at recent stories to see what we can learn...

• The whole series of stories about Hillary and Obama and Grandma and the Democrat's Health Care Plan didn't do very well at all,   two comments on average.
  
  » Conculsion: Forget political stories, they don't work.
  


• The stories about Jim and Jeremey's birthdays appear to do better but, on closer examination, one comment was by me ( fussing about not getting any comments ) and another was from Lauren ( talking about her new baby ).  After adjustments, birthday stories average only three comments.
  
  » Conculsion: Cut back or eliminate birthday stories, they don't work either.
  


• The story about Lauren's new baby, little Jayden Michael (should have been Clyde) Scott, did really well.  Seven comments is the most in recent memory.
  
  » Conculsion: We need more Florida Baby stories.
  


• Cute kid stories have been a staple of the StalkerClan but this week's cute story and picture of Caitlyn Jean bombed.  Only one comment, and that was from Caitlyn's mother.
  
  » Conculsion: No more Cute Kid stories, they are bringing down our average.
  


• Surprisingly, the follow-up entry with pictures of little Jayden Michael (should have been Clyde) Scott didn't do any good, only two comments, both anonymous.
  
  » Conculsion: Maybe it's only Florida Birth Announcements that work.
  


• The story about Luci's Birthday Makeover did better than the other birthday stories, a quick five comments.
  
  » Conculsion: People like it when I pick on Luci.

Based on this analysis, the obvious course of action to maximize comment submissions and save the StalkerClan must include the following actions:

1. Picking on, embarassing, or torturing Luci more often, and
2. Frequent Florida Birth Announcements.

I'm willing to do my part.  Action No. 1 is no problem, I can crank out doctored-up photos of Luci all day long.  However, we need to count on the Florida Guinea Girls for Action No. 2.   As frequently as they have been cranking out babies it shouldn't be much of a problem.

• Traci, I've got you penciled in for a birth announcement next Tuesday.  If you could make it a little girl that looked just like Grandpa Stalker, I think that would be a real popular story.
  


• Crystal, I'm saving space next Saturday for a story about your new set of twins, little Monk-Monk and Bobo.
  


• Amber, get a plumber to work on Jevon ASAP.  Would he get upset if his next little girl looked just like your Uncle Clyde?
  


• Mindy, I'm thinking triplets for you.  How does a week from Friday sound?
  


• Lauren, you need to rebound quick.  I'll be expecting news from you in a couple of weeks.

We're counting on you girls!  The future of the StalkerClan is in your... uhhhhh, hands.