I’m Ruined !

(I haven’t been on the clan in a while, but I just couldn’t let this classic story go untold.  I know this will be one of the all-time greats. Might even make the cover of Clyde’s next book.)

One day a few weeks ago, the school called me and said that Emily had an earache, no fever, just pain.  I decided it would be best to go during my one-hour lunch break and get her some pain reliever to get

her through the day and, after work, take her to the doctor.  While I was at CVS picking up the pain reliever, I grabbed a bag of miniature chocolate bars.  I knew lunch was out of the question and the chocolate bars would help me get through the afternoon.

At school, I ran into Troy, a friend who was working at my house. We talked a little and then I went on in to give Emily her medicine.  After that, I went to get my taxes done.  Too much to do in one hour.  So, as I was getting out of my car, I grabbed the open bag of candy bars and went back to work.

After work, Randy met me at the office and said he wanted to go with me to take Emily to see the doctor.  I informed him that I also needed to go pick up some paper goods for a family who had just lost a loved one. He came up with a great plan.  He would drop me off at the doctor, and then he would run to Wal-Mart and get the paper goods.  Sounded good to me.

After the visit with the doctor, Emily, Blair and I sat on the bench waiting for Granddad.  He pulled up and we hopped in.  Immediately he held up his arm and showed me a very large brown streak he had on it.  I looked at it and laughed.  It looked like crap.  He quickly said, “I know what you are thinking and you are wrong. It is chocolate.  I know because I smelled of it. Do you have anything I can wipe it off with?”

Now I still had not figured it out.  I got out and fished the Wet Ones out of the trunk and cleaned him up.  All the while he is going on about how he must have gotten it at Wal-Mart.  But where in Wal-Mart? Was it the shopping cart?  Just where did he get it?  The mystery of where it came from was on.
Now that we were all back in the car, and everyone was very hungry, Granddad made a great suggestion, “Let’s all go to Corky Bell’s.”  His favorite place to eat seafood. 

We all agreed and off we went.  We got THE TALK about being good, using our manners, sitting still in our seats, and not talking too loud.  And every once in a while he would get in a, “I still can’t figure out how I got that chocolate on me.”

We arrived at Corky Bell’s and walked inside.  The children and I were in front and we walked on back to our seats.  I turned to see Randy, but he was not behind me.  I looked back at the door and I could see that he was going towards the restrooms.  No big deal, we would just wait for him.

Ten minutes later he comes and sits down in his seat.  His face has this look of pure mortification on it.  It is hard to explain just how mortified he looked.  I asked him what was wrong?

He looked at me and said, in a voice that sounded as though he could not believe what had just happened to him, “You won’t believe this.  The waitress tapped me on the shoulder and said,  ‘Sir, I think you need to know that you have a candy bar stuck to your butt.”

The children and I could not contain our laughter. Not only were we loud, but we could not sit still. Our whole bodies shook.  This was just too much!

Again he went over in his mind, just where in Wal-mart did he get this on him. Then he let the one thing out that ruined my day, “And you know what? It still had the wrapper on it.”

I could not resist, “What kind of candy bar was it, honey?”

“You know, the little miniature ones.”

At that very moment, my life flashed before me.  I knew what had happened. One of my candy bars had dropped out in my seat and set in my hot car all afternoon.  Now I was ruined for sure.  I said nothing.  Just sat and listened as my poor husband tried to figure out where on earth in Wal mart did he get a candy bar on his butt?

Needless to say, his food did not taste good and he wanted to get home ASAP.  As we were getting out of the car at the post office, so that he could get back in his and drive it home, I heard him say one more time, “Where in Wal-mart?”

I looked him in the eyes, knowing we would be in separate cars for a few minutes,  and mustered up all the bravery I had in me and said,  “Baby you best stop worrying about where you got the candy bar.  If you find out, you might hurt someone you love!”

“I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT HAD TO BE YOU! “

About this time I crawled into my car and drove away, praying that he would be over it by the time we got home.

The next morning I got up, went into the kitchen and poured us a cup of coffee.  I walked into the bedroom to see my husband with his hands on his hips.  A light bulb must have gone off in his head and he looked at me and said, “I just thought about something!  I went all the way through Wal-Mart with a candy bar on my butt!  That explains a lot. That is why a security guard came up to me and asked me if I needed anything?  No one in Wal-Mart has ever asked me if I needed anything.”

Jeff