I Can Feel the Love

I feel that I really owe it to myself to "out" some people who claim to care about me.  These people claim to be "family" but now I'm not so sure.  It was once my belief that family is supposed to be caring, comforting, and sympathetic in ones time of need.  I'm talking about a chipped tooth incident I recently experienced. 

I'm not going to get into nitty gritty details.  Come to think of it, I think I will be the bigger person, I'm not even going to give out names.  I am so considerate, unlike a certain mother and husband I know (No names.)  Anyway, at the time of the infamous veneer shattering moment, I remember being mortified and looking to a certain two people for comfort and assurance. Still keeping things completely anonymous, I'll just call them 'Heffery' and 'Mevon'.  To my shock, they were both laughing hysterically.  I thought Heffery was going to roll out of her chair. 

They only stopped laughing when I announced, with a slight lisp, that I would not be attending dinner at the Olive Garden with Mevon the next day for my birthday.  Even Heffery pleaded with me to go.  It was only after Mevon revealed his surprise birthday dinner plans that I realized why they both got so upset.  Now I know what you're  thinking, 'How sweet to plan a surprise birthday dinner.'  But hear me out.  We're talking about unlimited salad and breadsticks here.  I know what their real motive was.  In fact, I think they had every intention of going without me. 

If that weren't bad enough, I began to cry.  My only surprise party EVER and I wasn't going to go.  I thought hard on what I could do.  And that's when I decided to call a certain brother.  We'll just call him um.....'GatorFreak'.  Desperate for advice and knowing he had made my veneers, I frantically dialed his number.  But he was no comfort either.  He said I would have to wait for the dentist to fix it. 

Just before we got off the phone he said, "Oh, yeah!  I just thought of something you can do." I was ecstatic. "Go shirtless, and I promise no one will ever even notice your tooth!" 

I began to sob.  "I hate you, GatorFreak!"

Just then a certain cousin I will refer to as "Rustin" came in from hunting and noticed my tooth.  "Whoa!  Lloyd Christmas!  What happened to you?"  He then proceeded to say everything with a lisp for the rest of the night, while Mevon chased me around with his camera phone trying to take pictures.  How supportive! 

Aunt Bonnie did try to comfort me by telling me she couldn't even notice, but I had to explain to her that white lies only work when the person can't figure it out.  I had a mirror.  No go, Aunt Bonnie.  And Grandma said she was too blind to notice.  Thanks, I think. 

I came up with the theory that this was my party and I could cry if I wanted and I was going!  I got up the next morning feeling great.  I convinced myself that my tooth didn't look that bad after all.  I marched into my parents kitchen where (let's just call him) 'Bad' was reading his paper.  With a big smile on my face I sat down.  'Bad' smiled back then did a double take and said, "WOAH, sissy!  You really did chip your tooth.  Yikes!"  And to think this man would have you believe that he has 'Shallow Hal' syndrome.  I beg to differ. 

That's alright, I got them all back.  Anyone who claimed to love me had to wear Bubba Teeth at my party in the restaurant.

I must say a tooth for a tooth felt pretty darn good to me.

 

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